Bum Reviews: Battle Royale
by Charles Xavier
Summary: Homeless movie critic, Chester A. Bum, gives us his nutty review on the film based on Koushun Takami's controversial novel.


Author's Note: BR belongs to Toei and Chester A. Bum belongs to Douglas Walker (aka That Guy with the Glasses) respectfully. No profit is being made out of this work.

…

_And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum._

_Tonight's review:_

_**Battle Royale**_

…

"OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! There are these bunch of kids who get transported to a mysterious island to play this game where they all have to fight each other to the death!"

"I'm totally serious. It's kind of like 'Gilligan's Island', but has nothing to do with it."

"So there's this evil gym class teacher, called Kitano, who REALLY hates naughty kids and wants to teach them a lesson. He attaches these explosive collars on their necks and shows them this educationomal video. And the video presenter's like-"

"_Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Battle Royale program! Your class has been to chosen to kill each other off in the most disturbing manners until one of you remains."_

"I once played Battle Royale myself too with all my bestest friends! There was me, Ronald McDonald, Colonel Sanders, Bozo the Clown, Pee-wee Herman, Barney the Dinosaur, the Cabbage Patch Kids, the Care Bears and that cute little pink girl from LazyTown that everyone has a hard on for…including me."

"Did I just say that out loud?"

"We decided to kill her off first and cut up her body up into little pieces."

"I kept her legs."

"During this educationomal video, there's this girl who talks during in the class, and Kitano's like-"

"_You there. No talking in class!"_

"_SHING!"_

"_Ugh!"_

"And he throws this knife into her head, killing her in a split second! The students panic and they're all screaming and shouting, wanting to get out."

"But I was like: WOW! That was amazing! Who could throw a knife that far and hit his target straight at the crack of a person's skull? I'd give him a hundred points for that! No, make that a HUNDRED AND TEN! Do that neat trick again for all the happy families to watch. This guy could make millions if he signed up for Ringling Bros. and Barnum and Bailey!"

"Maybe he's more suited for the next Cirque du Soleil."

"So the students are given these random weapons. Some get guns, some get crossbows, some get knives, some get swords, some get axes, some get tasers and some…really don't get anything useful. One gets a pair of binoculars, one gets a paper fan, one gets a megaphone, and one gets a saucepan lid?"

"_Look out! She's going to stare at us to death with her binoculars!"_

"_Be careful of that paper fan! It'll give us a million paper cuts!"_

"_Don't look into that saucepan lid! It'll turn you into stone!"_

"_Oh no! That girl's got a megaphone and she's going to sing us songs from William Hung!"_

"Ooooh…" The Bum shivered and cringed. "…what a slow and painful death that would be."

"But this is bull crap! I wouldn't need any of this useless junk. I survived Battle Royale without a single scratch! And do you want to know how?"

The Bum picked up an object far from dangerous, shaking it fiercely at the camera. "With this spoon! That's right, I clawed my way out of this sick atrocious game with my trusty wooden spoon! And YOU don't want to know how many people I've killed with it!"

The Bum heard a shuffle from somewhere and recoiled in fear.

"What was that sudden noise I heard? Please protect me, o sacred wooden spoon!"

"So anyway, there's this transfer student, called Kiriyama, and BOY is he scary! He's got this CRAZY hairdo and it's like his hair's literally on fire. But whatever you do, don't pull any funny jokes with him, even if his hair IS on fire. In fact, it's best not to talk to him at all."

"I wouldn't even let him sleep inside my box."

"And then there's this other girl, called Mistuko, and she's COMPLETELY psychotic! It would be like if the Joker and Paris Hilton had a child together!"

"Paris being the crazy one slashing people's cheeks open. Don't ask why."

"I don't blame Mistuko for her insanity, though. Her mother was an asshole who tried to sell her off to some STRANGE paedomaphile! My father tried to sell me off to a paedomaphile once too! But apparently, I was too old."

"I was twenty-one at that time."

"So there's also this other girl who dresses all in yellow and likes to go jogging. But then she cuts this guy's balls and…"

"Wait, what?"

"HOLY COW! She actually stabbed a guy's ding-dongs, his Adam and Eve, his Sonny and Cher! Someone call 911 but don't tell them what the emergency is! It's too shameful! I don't know how they'll be able to save him, but I'm pretty sure he's not going have any kids when he grows up."

"Poor soul."

"So these couple of other students, called Shuya and Noriko, meet up with this other guy in a wooden cottage, called Kawada, who claims be a survivor of a previous Battle Royale game. But I'm pretty sure he's just making it up, because he's smoking drugs and he's SO laid back and SO down-to-earth when he's talking."

"Kind of like me! I love to make up stories too when I'm high! I was talking to a garbage can once, telling him that I married Oscar the Grouch on Sesame Street."

"Although after hearing that, he took it quite hard and got all emotional. He and Oscar go a LONG way back."

"Suddenly, the three of them are attacked by the CRAZY Kiriyama, who chucks a decapitated head through the window with a hand grenade shoved in its mouth! I once shoved a hand grenade in my mouth too, and it tasted just like chicken…with some barbecue sauce…and a touch of Tabasco and Worcester."

"Luckily it didn't explode in my tummy. But it sure gave me some bad gas afterwards for a few weeks and really upset my bowels."

"So then Shuya ends up in this lighthouse where he's being nursed by these friendly classmates who've learned to get along so well, even though they'll most likely die pretty soon. And that's EXACTLY what happens! One of them tries to kill Shuya with poison and everyone goes all ape crap. There's this HUGE shootout scene and there are all these flying bullets everywhere!"

"_KABLAM!"_

"_BANG! BANG! BANG!"_

"_RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!"_

"_AIIIIEEEE!"_

"_LET GO OF MY EGGO!"_

"Shuya soon finds everyone dead and he goes up to the top of the lighthouse to scream his lungs out and starts talking to these random speech cards appearing out of nowhere."

"What kind of drugs were those classmates giving him anyway?"

"But come to think of it, I sometimes see random speech cards flashing before my very eyes, asking me all these philosophical questions I don't know the answers to. Is that my conscience?"

"Meanwhile, Noriko is having these flashback dreams with her teacher, Kitano, and we learn that they share some kind of special relationship together. I have flashback dreams too with my Nintendo Wii I used to date with. Wii had so much in common!"

"Okay, bad pun. I knew you'd say that."

"But after three lovable years together, she dumped me for the Xbox 360…or was it the Playstation 3?"

"WIIIIII! HOW COULD YOU!"

"But anyway, the psychotic Mitsuko confronts the ALSO psychotic Kiriyama in this abandoned shed and there's this HUGE EPIC showdown between them! It would be like if John Goodman and Rosie O'Donnell were stuck fighting in a sumo ring together! So Mitsuko attacks him with her sickle and taser like a mad housewife, but Kiriyama steals her gun and blasts her to bits!"

"So after that, Kawada's next to face Kiriyama, whose eyes look REALLY spaced out, it's like he's about to turn into the Incredible Hulk! But before he transforms, Kawada BLOWS off his head like an exploding jack-o-lantematern!"

"More movies need exploding heads, like that other movie 'Scanners'! How come we never see Harry Potter make Voldemort's head explode in a staring contest? In my book, Harry Potter could beat ANY person at a staring contest ANY day with his heat ray vision! And that's why all his opponents end up dead!"

"So after the game ends, Kawada, Shuya and Noriko meet up with Kitano, who shows them this CREEPY painting he's designed of Noriko and a bunch of dying students. And Kitano's all like-"

"_I want to die with you, because you're my best student."_

"So Noriko's like-"

"_Um, that doesn't sound right."_

"Well, neither did this whole movie! And then she's like-"

"_Your obsession with me is REALLY scaring me. So I'm going to have to kill you."_

"And Kitano's like-"

"_Okay, go ahead."_

"Then Noriko's like-"

"_Nope, uh-uh."_

"But Kitano draws his weapon, and Shuya shoots him with this heavy machine gun and he falls DEAD!"

"Well, not quite dead. He does get up at one point to answer a phone call, and then he actually dies…for real. I swear to God, I didn't smoke anything when that happened."

"So the three students escape the mysterious island and they live battling ever after! Although Kawada did die on the way back home, after smoking his last joint."

"So what important lesson has this movie taught me, you ask? Well, that's simple."

"DRUGS ARE BAD! Kids, don't EVER smoke drugs in school because one day you'll start hallucinating and find yourself on some random island where you'll end up killing your classmates!"

"That goes for paedomaphilic teachers as well."

"Sure…blame it on the weed, blame it on the marijuana you hide under your pillow. But truth be told, it'll only be YOU to blame for your murderous crimes!"

"And oh yes, cannibalism is actually good! Because I was running for my life from those crazy Cabbage Patch Kids who wanted to eat me. But then I ended up eating THEM in this HUGE salad bowl!"

"They tasted just like real cabbage."

"Delicious!"

"This is Chester A. Bum saying...CHANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE?! AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT, WILL YA?! COME ON, CHANGE!"

**Seriously though, 'Battle Royale' was pretty disturbing.**

"Now don't go stealing my change! I've still got my trusty wooden spoon in my pocket, and I'm not afraid to use it again! Believe me when I say it can kill you with just one hit!"


End file.
